Saturday, March 30, 2013

Control Battles



I have been reading this wonderful book called Wounded Children, Healing Homes.  It was recommended to us as a book every foster or fost-adopt family should read.  I would definitely recommend it as well.

This week I was reading a chapter on help for adoptive families who are going through crisis or are headed toward crisis; basically families who are having a hard time...that's us!  One of the tips given was to avoid control battles.  I have heard this over and over in the adoptive parenting circle, but I have not been able to figure out how to do it in the day to day.  It seems simple enough, but really, when you have a child who wants to engage in one control battle after another, how do you just "avoid" them?

"You may need to lose a few battles in order to win the war.  Parents can successfully work on only one or two behaviors at a time.  Prioritize your battles, and be prepared to let a lot of other less important issues slide for the time being.  Parenting shouldn't be one battle after another."

Oh, how this spoke to me!  And how it has helped me over the last couple of days!  My days with J-Man have been one battle after another.  It is exhausting and it is not fun.  After reading this, Chris and I decided which two behaviors are the biggest offenders right now.  We determined to focus on those things that are hurtful to others and that are causing the most stress in our household.  The rest of it?  I now have permission to let it go for a time.  Lose some battles, win the war.  I've been chanting this to myself throughout the day when other difficult behaviors come up.  Lose some battles, win the war.

Let's give ourselves permission to lose some battles, ya'll.  

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