Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Whose Fault?



Yesterday I read this post.  It struck such a tender place in me.  "...let's remember that the pain our children suffer was not done at our hands.  Their struggles with attachment are not due to our failures - the profound struggle is due to a loss that we could not prevent."

I need to hear this again and again as an adoptive mom.  It's not my fault.  And even when I do screw up and fail and make mistakes, I will never hurt them the way they were hurt before I got them.  Yet, that's one of our greatest fears, isn't it?   

Because when I yell too loud, when I grab his arm a little too hard, when I get too angry, those are the lies that creep into my mind and heart.  "You just caused even more damage.  You just compounded the hurt even more.  You have done irreparable damage."

"It's your fault.  You are not a good enough mom for this child."  That's what I really hear, if I'm being honest.  That's what I can start to believe if I'm not careful.

In Wounded Children, Healing Homes, I've been reading that children will usually feel the most anger toward their birthmom, and will usually take that anger out on their adoptive mom.  J-Man's anger is all directed at me right now.  And that's a hard burden to bear.

In the post I referenced above, Lisa recalls a conversation with her daughter when her daughter asks why she wasn't there sooner...why she didn't bring her birthmom medicine.  This is what I'm realizing: no matter the lack of logic, my children will probably blame me for the pain they have suffered.  Why wasn't I there?  Why didn't I stop that from happening? 

That's a burden we will carry for our children.  BUT we have to remind ourselves, maybe quite often during certain seasons, that we are NOT to blame, that it was NOT our fault, and that there is grace for the times we do fail.

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